Hey Jealousy

Remember that song from the Gin Blossoms called Hey Jealousy?  That was rolling through my head when I failed my blood test today-low white count and low neutrophils.  My body is forcing me to take a break.   It’s bad when you’re jealous of the person sitting next to you getting chemo when you can’t. Pretty pathetic actually.   My neutrophil count was too low to even think of getting chemo.  Normal neutrophil numbers are 1.5-7.5.  Last Friday I was at .4 and Monday .7.  Today, I was sure the numbers would reach that magic 1.5, but no.  The neutrophils are just barely .8.  White Blood Count was 1.5 and normal range is 3.5-11.0.  The white blood cells and neutrophils fight against infection.  Simply put, I don’t have the defenses to fight against bacteria and infection.  I’m a hugger, and there will be no hugs! You’ll have to get your hugs elsewhere this week.  So what now? I wait until next Thursday and we try again.  This is messing with the whole schedule in my brain and will most likely extend chemotherapy into October.  But, as I was reminded, it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon.  My husband observed last week that I am completely up to speed with the positive thoughts aspect of fighting cancer, but my body needs to get with the program and catch up to the mind.  Time to listen and do what needs to be done.  Rest and allow time for recovery.  We will try again next Thursday.  I wish it was like school and I could just study hard! I’m such a “head down and power through” type of person, so you can imagine my frustration with all of this.  I need a zen moment.

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